TEN THINGS YOU NEED DO IF YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT A DIVORCE
Here is a listing of the ten things that you want to do if you think a divorce is imminent:
1. Contact our office. You need to become informed and educated about what your rights are in the state that you reside in. You need someone to help you determine what it is you want and what you are willing to negotiate with. You need an advocate!
2. Copy Documents. Make sure that you have current copies of all of your financial information, including bank statements, investments, tax returns, medical information, cars, etc. Make sure that anything that is in your name, you have a copy of it. It’s much better to have this information now, while it’s still convenient for you to obtain. You can always get copies if you don’t have one, but now is the time to act.
3. Inventory your household and family possessions. Make a list of where, when, why you bought all household items, which were gifts, which were given to you, your spouse. This will be important later, but make sure you take a room by room inventory.
4. Household Budget and Expenses. Make sure that you have a clear picture of what your family presently lives on, financially and what you are contributing to that number. This will be important when child support and alimony are figured out. Proof of what the “actual numbers” is always a good thing to have. This should include utility bills, mortgages, rents, memberships, subscriptions, etc.
5. Determine how you will manage supporting two families. Remember if the judge awards custody to your spouse, you will be responsible for providing them in the same lifestyle that they live in now. If you can eliminate debt now, it won’t be a consideration later. Advanced planning will be very helpful at this stage.
6. Determine how much your spouse earns or has available as ready assets. Determining what your spouse earns or has as a liquid asset will also help in determining how much financial help he/she may need in the future. If she has just received a huge inheritance, be sure you understand the nature of those funds and how/when they can use them.
7. Determine how much you can make or possibly make in the future. If you have a job that requires a lot of travel or long hours, which will conflict with your children’s schooling, you need to determine if you still want to stay in your present position or if you need to find something closer to home, different hours, etc.
8. Credit History: If all of the credit cards have always been in your spouse’s name, it’s time that you applied for some of your own, so that you too have a credit line so that you will have a credit history.
9. Separate Funds: You should make sure that all of your accounts aren’t joint accounts. You should set up an account for yourself, your own liquidity, with your own funds. You should start saving your own money for your own future needs.
10. Make sure that your children are your top priority. Your children are going to be the ones who experience the most change in this whole process. Their lives are going to be disrupted and it’s critical that you keep their best interests on the top of your list. How will this affect their schooling? Friends? Living conditions? All of these, and this is just the short list, will have a major impact on who they move forward. This is so important, as they are the innocent victims in this whole process. Although you and your spouse are no longer together, you will have to work on making some type of communication work between the two of you, for your children’s sakes. It’s not going to be easy, but you must make the commitment that you will consider and put your children’s feelings above everything else.
I hope that this list helps you in determining some important facts that you should consider if you are considering a divorce. Please feel free to contact us with any questions you may have. As indicated, this is only a partial list, but it’s a good starting point.
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DIVORCE HUMOR
Although if you speak with anyone who has gone or is going through a divorce, the last thing they will tell you that they felt like doing was laughing, they say that laughter is the best medicine, so we have included these, if for no other reason than to get your mind off your
problems for a little while and put a smile on your face. We hope they help!
• Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Albert Einstein.
• My husband, I divorced under religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t. (Unknown)
• Marriage requires a commitment to an institution – see insanity (Unknown)
• Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
• A couple being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. In all that time did you ever consider divorce? They were asked. On no, not divorce, one said, murder sometimes, but never divorce. (Unknown)
• Make love, not war … Hell do both, get married (Unknown)
• I think that men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
• Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. Lewis Grizzard.
• Marriage is like a cold: you come down with one: you get better and you hope you never get another one! (Unknown)
• I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life! (Unknown).
• I just got back from a pleasure trip. I just drove my wife to the airport. (Unknown).
• The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman
• For a while, we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something that you always have. Woody Allen.
• I was married by a judge, I should have asked for a jury! Groucho Marx
• Alimony: a Latin term for removing a man’s wallet through his genitals! Robin Williams
• Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand. Unknown
• Marriage is not a word, it’s a sentence. Unknown
• Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully, the divorce court judge said and I’ve decided to give your wife $275.00 per week. That’s very fair, your honor, the husband said and every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself! Unknown.
MORE DIVORCE HUMOR
Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? She comes with all of Ken’s stuff. Unknown
Ex-es, Can’t live with them, can’t leave the courthouse with them. Anonymously
Whenever I date a guy, I think, “Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?” Rita Rudner
For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. Woody Allen
A Man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that she brought the children into this world; she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in the vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or the machine? Unknown
Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours! Unknown
A famous lawyer found himself at heaven’s gate confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake- he was only 49 and far too young to be dead. That’s odd, said St. Peter, according to the hours you’ve billed, you’re 119 years old! Unknown
“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money” “Why do you say that?” “Listen to this from his bill: For waking up at night and thinking about your case $25.00”
When asked “What is a contingent fee? A lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing. Unknown
“Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.” Anonymous
“The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.” Will Rogers
CLASSIC MARRIAGE ONE LINERS
We just wanted to include some humor on our web site, so sit back and have a laugh or smile on us!
• My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
• A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Milton Berle
• Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight! Phyllis Diller
• People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually it’s no secret. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. Erma Bombeck
• My wife loves to shop. Spends all my money. One week she was sick – three stores went out of business. The woman will bring home anything marked down. Last week she brought home an escalator. She said she lost her purse and all her credit cards were in it. Did I report them stolen? No –
the thief spends less than she does. Take my wife – please! Henny Youngman.
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you”. The husband replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice. Unknown.
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Unknown.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful! Unknown.
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PARENTING NEW FOCUS IN DIVORCE REFORMS SEEK TO END FIGHTING OVER CHILDREN.
Starting this fall, parents who split up can be ordered to seek mediation if they can’t agree on how to divide their children’s time. It’s one of the guidelines in a new law that’s designed to make the process of divorce or separation less acrimonious. Family lawyers hope it will enable more parents to settle custody disputes themselves, instead of having to ask a judge to do it for them. Under current law, both parents must agree to a mediation session. But if judges can order quarreling parents into mediation (except for cases in which there has been domestic violence), lawyers hope it will save parents time, money and stress. Mediation allows each parent to assert more control over the proceedings than they can before a judge. And though many parents don’t expect they’ll be able to reach an agreement through mediation, family lawyers have found that most can. If (mediators) can get people to make more of their own decisions, and be more active in their decisions, everybody will be happier with the outcome. We’re trying to get decisions made as quickly as possible, to minimize the hostility. Because that’s what hurts kids.
The Parental Rights and Responsibilities Act was created by the Task Force on Family Law as part of a broad first step toward reforming divorce and family law in the state. Aimed at fostering cooperation between parents, the law was designed under the assumption that most children fare best when both parents are involved in their lives as much as possible. The concept sounds simple, but attorneys say the law will bring about the most significant changes in family law in more than a dozen years.
Under the law, parents will be expected to work together to create plans for where their children will live, go to school and spend holidays. The parents will be asked to set a system of guidelines that best fit their kids’ needs. Parents will likely find that they must revise those plans over the years as their kids grow and the circumstances around their lives change. It hopefully is going to set a new mentality. As a culture, we’re trying to move away from custody issues to parenting issues. And the emphasis with this is on continuing parenting environment after divorce, as opposed to a custodial arrangement after a divorce. The task force started planning to address the state’s divorce laws several years ago. As the dynamics of modern families have changed, it became clear that the state’s divorce and custody laws were outdated. The current law, which mandates that a judge award primary custody to whichever parent he or she feels is best for the child, can foster competition between parents. The new law returns some control to the parents by asking them to devise a plan together for what they feel would work best for their children. The idea is to get parents to focus on sharing responsibilities, rather than focus on the ‘you’ve got the kid an extra day a week, and so on. It’s set up very win-lose in the system now.
Under the new law, parents who split up will design a parenting plan together that includes where the child will live during the weekdays and weekends, where he or she will attend school, which holidays will be spent where and how the child will be taken to different places. The plans will also include steps for reviewing and altering the parenting plan when the need arises, as well as methods for resolving possible future disputes. Not every couple will be able to agree on everything, and that some couples won’t be able to agree on any aspects of a parenting plan. In those situations, the new law allows a judge to order the parents to have mediation. If that is unsuccessful, a judge will step in and decide using the current law of deciding what’s in a child’s best interests. The new law also establishes for the first time a set of standards for how a child’s best interests should be determined. The criteria, such as the relationship the child has with each parent and the ability of each parent to provide for the child, was culled from existing laws in other states. The new law also separates the state’s divorce laws from the laws pertaining to children and parents, meaning parents who are not married will find it easier to understand the laws that affect them. And it eliminates the words “custody” and “child support” from the law, replacing them with terms such as “parental rights and responsibilities.”
Though those semantic changes might seem minor supporters of the law believe they will lead to a gradual shift in the way children are viewed in a divorce or separation. The mindset of the child as property, or a prize for parents to fight over, is the central problem with the state’s current custody law. “We need to address the mentality that one parent will own the child and the other will borrow the child”. “So many parents come into a divorce with the expectation that one parent gets the child and the other gets to visit. And it creates in a person’s mind that one parent is subordinate and the other is superior. When the thinking really needs to be, we’re both still parents and we must continue to be parents together as we move forward.”
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FAMILY LAW TIPS
Listed below are some ideas to keep in mind when you are involved in a Family Law or Domestic Relations dispute. Not all will apply to every situation; however, they are definitely points of interest and things to think about.
1. Don’t alienate your children from your ex-spouse. Usually, a judge can see right through your “honest” intentions to describe what the living situation is when your children are not in your care. It doesn’t bode well for either you or your children and gives the illusion that you are vindictive and don’t really care about what happens, as long as your ex doesn’t get what he/she wants.
2. Don’t base your opinions on what you think the rules or the laws are. Talk with a professional to get the information that pertains to your specific situation and in your specific state. There is a lot of information available to the public, but unless you know how to interpret it, you will be doing yourself a disservice.
3. Don’t assume that the way you interpret the law is the way the law is written. Many people feel that they understand that law and what it means because they read a few paragraphs of a case or statute and although they skipped a couple of “legal” terms, they have an understanding of what it means. This is a huge mistake. You need to talk with someone who can explain to you, in plain terms, what the law states, what the case refers to and whether or not it pertains to your specific situation.
4. Make sure that you are honest and forthcoming with information that you feel may or may not (in certain circumstances) be helpful in determining what your rights are or what you can ask for. Don’t hold back! During Family Law or Domestic Relations cases, it’s imperative that you are honest with whomever you are talking with and sharing information. These professionals will tell you whether or not this information should or shouldn’t be included. A professional advocate understands that the natures of these issues are very personal and you may not feel comfortable sharing such intimate details with people you don’t know. Talk to your advocate and explain your reluctance to talk freely. Together you can work on an exchange of information that you are both comfortable with.
5. In order for an outside party to become familiar with your specific situation, it may be necessary for them to talk with others regarding your specific situation. Don’t worry about the nature of these discussions, they are intended to help your case and the more people who can portray your image, success and/or aspirations, the better the picture will be of who you are and why you are fighting for your specific issue.
6. Try to develop a clear picture of what is realistic for you, what is realistic for you to want and how you are going to proceed with your case. A professional advocate can help you determine what issues are critical, what issues are secondary and what issues you may want to concede (if appropriate). You need to be realistic in your expectations and sometimes this takes some soul searching to figure out exactly what it is you want and how you want to go about obtaining it. Don’t feel limited by what you think you might be able to get, based on other people’s situations or experiences. You should give considerable time to this item and really determine what it is you want and how you want to go about getting it. Remember, most importantly, this is your case, your life, and your decision. Everyone else involved is just the vehicle for helping you obtain your goals. Don’t lose sight on this!
7. Your professional advocate can help you with each of these items and will work with you, in a team environment to explain to you exactly what it is you need to learn, in order to empower yourself with the knowledge you will need to present to an attorney to litigate your case. After a thorough review and evaluation of what your rights are, what the laws are and how the two relate to each other, you will then be ready to meet with an attorney, to briefly discuss your strategy and move forward with the litigation of your dispute.
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